Thursday, August 12

Moving on

So I have moved this here blog over to word press....

You can find me here:

Hope you'll come and join me too x

Thursday, August 5


So I'm sitting at home, in my comfy chair; laptop in front of me on terrace table (what, don't judge me), and all day long I have ideas on what to write about. Maybe have a little quote that I might use. A whole dialogue written out in my mind. But obviously this all happens at work, where I can't write my blog and therefore I have to condense my thoughts until its time to go home. Only for me to get home and sit in a perfect position and come up with NOTHING. Absolutely nothing.

I have posts in my head that will only seem relevant once a certain date comes around (September will be an awesome month) and I have topics I want to broach but more thought needs to go into it first.
I am an avid reader of so many blogs and the writing is so original and (this is going to be cheesy) inspirational, that it makes me want to be a better writer. That being said, I am in no way a writer, but I do LOVE writing. I don't want to let the blogging world or readers of this blog (hello? Hello? is there anyone there?) down with my inane observations or banter.

I am new to this and I am finding my feet. I want to  will talk about what it is like to be married when you haven't before and all the new things that happen and things that change.

Bear with me, it WILL get good.

Tuesday, August 3

Happy times

After my moment yesterday, I decided to list the good things that are coming up in my life.

(Yes, I am a lists type of person)

1. Nieces' Birthday BBQ, this coming weekend, they are having a joint party
2. Looooong weekend 13th-17th August
3. Finally meeting up with my best friend, Suzan
4. Finally seeing my Godson, Adam
5. Better off Ted being on FX (Does the humour remind anyone else of Dead Like me?)
6. Breaking Bad Season 2 arriving via Love Film.
8. Hubs not doing night shifts for at least two weeks after tonight
9. My Glamour magazine subscription, which just keeps arriving even though I could've sworn it run out in May (Please don't shop me in to Conde Nast)
10. Wedding album hopefully SQUEEEE!

So yea, its getting good.

Monday, August 2

Monday blues

So we are at end of another Monday.
A Monday where I got those nerves in my stomach.
You know those nerves which, if your like me, determine if you have a good day or not.
A Monday where I had a moment in Liverpool Street station and had to stop amongst the mayhem of commuters and wonder what I was doing there.

I have not taken my anti-depressants for 8 weeks. We've been back from Canada for 8 weeks and when we got back, it seemed as good a time as any to stop taking them as I was finally feeling like I could cope. I was In a good place.

Today, my moment in the station made me realise how far I had come in 2 months.
It made me realise that its OK to get a little overwhelmed and have some anxiety to prove that I can get over it.

It felt like it I couldn't move. I was stuck still and my breath escaping me. Everyone was moving around but it was slowed down. I was in a still of a movie with the background blurring and becoming hazy. Me, I was suddenly in clear cut focus. I wish I knew what triggered it. Sleep came easy to me the night before; I got to see my Husband in the morning; I wasn't stressed by travelling. It just happened.

It was scary, but I took a deep breath and looked around, and walked on.

I class this as a triumph. I could've quite easily broken down and walked away and curled up at home.
But, I didn't.

I might not be out of the woods yet, but at least I can see a clearing.

Wednesday, July 28

Just keep swimming

I used to hate the Summer. Hate having to wear less clothing. Hate having to try and feign wanting to go on a diet. Hated being on a diet.

Me and my weight have always had a tough relationship.
I was athletic when I was younger. Gymnast from 5-11 years old. Short distance runner and relay champ.
This enabled my growing body to diffuse calories quicker than lightening and define it with muscles and have no boobies.
Moving to senior school meant, less gymnastics, less running. More homework and a sudden interest in boys and, HELLO, mahoosive jugs.

Since then, my love affairs extended from boys to food.

I L.O.V.E food.

I married a Man who also loves food. In fact I am to blame for his love of food. He was very 'vanilla' when he met me. I get him to try all the things I love and try something new.
This does not help my waistline.

My Sister is a qualified chef. You do the math.

So you can see my problem. I'm a food whore. And a sloth.

The only activity that I actually enjoy is swimming. I think this is because it doesn't actually feel like work. Your floating so essentially the water is carrying you. And you don't sweat, or at least it doesn't look like sweat.

I see swimming as a solitary exercise. Yes you can participate in water aerobics and swim with a buddy, but have you actually tried swimming and talking? I get out breath just writing about it so i'd be useless as actually doing it.
My issue is, when I work long hours and Hubs works long hours and we have little time together, is it fair that I take pleasure in swimming alone?
I know it isn't really an issue, but (and I can't actually believe I am writing this) will swimming become a guilty pleasure?

But If I am going to be a fit (as in 'Phwoar' not physical fitness) wife, then I am going to have to make a sacrifice.

Hope my Husband knows how much effort I am putting in for him ;-)

Sunday, July 11

Saturday and Sunday

So, it is Sunday night and those butterflies about the impending work week are starting to flutter.

My weekend has been so, so good. Picnic with my hubby at our new favourite spot in the forest.
Drinking until the wee hours with my Brother and his Girlfriend in our communal garden. Not realising we had sunk 2 bottles of wine and 3 bottles of vodka. Alcohol units don't mean anything when your talking away and eating pitta and hummus.
Sunday was even better. Late breakfast and slowly getting ready for a day of sunning ourselves in the garden, embracing summer for the few days we have it. It was truly showing off my Mediterranean roots with my mad tanning skillz.

And now? Now, we must rest for tomorrow it is back to work. Back to earning some money so that we can hopefully enjoy the weekend again.

But before that, I can write as much as I want and twitter till I am blue in the face, all while Hubs is watching the World Cup final. Its win-win.
I will miss the World Cup for letting me have 2 hours of unadulterated 'Fran time'. Oh and I will miss the thighs of the footballers.

Wednesday, July 7

Palate cleanse

After the intense post yesterday, I thought it would be good to have something a bit less, well, intense.

So here are some pictures of my Godson from our trip to the park on Saturday:

And a gratuitous shot of me and Adam. With an extra portion of boob.

Nothing like sofa snuggles and 'Pink me me' on a Saturday afternoon

Tuesday, July 6

22 Years.

When I was 4 years, 4 months and 14 days old, my Dad died.

I have to be precise to make sure I don't forget what little memories I have left.

I am the youngest of 8 children. Two families with 3 siblings on one, 2 on the other and they joined up and made us three. Two don't talk to the other 6 and 3 don't see the other 3 that often.
But still, family is what we are, once united by grief, then torn apart by politics.

It was considered lucky that I was only 4 years, 4 months and 14 days old when my Dad died. I managed to escape all the fights over the will. All the slander over my Dad's fidelity. All the rumours of half-siblings. All the despair over who should have what possessions. All the rows in Italian; my Mother frantically trying to find the phrase book to try and find and way of saying "We need this banking document".

I wish I was lucky to not have had to witnessed it first hand. I wish I didn't see my Mother in despair, worrying how she was going to feed us let alone how she was going to pay the enormous mortgage, on a house that my Dad had purchased in the April before his death.

But I did see. I watched as a 4 year old.

I'd only known love. I'd only known a Mother and Father. From the 5th July 1988, all the love I received was tinged with guilt. Sadness for not having a Father, pity for not knowing what was going on around me.
But only, I did know what was going on. From that day on, I was no longer a child. I was a girl who's Dad died of a heart attack at 51.

Each member of my family before me have each had there own personal issue with our Father dying. Each had there own scenario which has scared them for life. My Brother discovered my Dad, my Sister had tried to revive him. Everyone else was just too late to get to him.

But I've never been able to tell mine, until now.
Except what has scarred me is that I don't have a story. I was asleep the entire time the heart attack took my Dad and killed him. I was only 4 years, 4 months and 14 days old. In some way, this makes me feel distant from my siblings. I don't have a story to tell, because I was doing what every other 4 year old was doing. Sleeping and dreaming of My Little Pony.

Memories. My visions of my Dad are fading. They are sometimes brought more vibrant when a family member talks of him. Something he used to do or something he didn't do. Even still, it is something that makes me remember him a little bit longer.
I often hear from my Brothers and Sisters, that 'There is no way I could remember such and such' or 'You were too young to remember that'. And for some of it, that's true.

But I remember walking across a bridge over the Thames, sitting on his shoulders. Dad immaculately dressed in a suit, with coiffed hair lacquered to within an inch of its receding life. I think I have a red coat on. It was cold. But the picture is now silent. I don't remember the noise around us.

I remember being in the bath with him as an 18 month old. It wasn't weird back then. It was the bonding time we had with Dad when he got back from working long hours in his restaurant. I remember the gold chain he worn whilst in the bath, not worrying to take it off.

I remember the heavy set frown and laughter lines, which my older Brother now has himself. I remember tracing my finger in the grooves of skin and wondering where they came from.

But his voice.
His Voice. That is something I don't remember.
I wish I could hear him.

If he was alive today, I would imagine it to be raspy from the secret smoking he would no doubt be doing. Words still thick with an Italian accent. R's would be rolled and he would probably only speak to us In his Mother tongue.

That is what makes me jealous and sometimes separate from my Brothers and Sisters. It sometimes hurts my heart to know that they might still grasp some sound of him. They might be right that I wont remember everything they know. But at least they might remember what he talked like. What it sounded like when he said 'I love you'. I wish I remembered him saying my name.

I'm not writing this as moan to my family. I'm writing it because this is the first time I've had the courage to say anything at all. Because even though I was only 4 years old, I did lose a Father. I went through everything everyone else did. Just because I was only 4 years old, didn't make that any easier.

I love my Dad with all my heart. He wasn't perfect and nothing ever is. But in my memory of the two of us walking over the bridge, I can pretend for a moment it was.

Monday, June 28

Someone sent this to me in an email and I thought it would be fun to do...

1. It’s 2AM and you are not home. You are more than likely:
Watching Quantum Leap
2. What’s the last thing you spent more than $100 on?

Dinner at Evergreen chinese restaurant in NYC
3. What do your bank checks look like?
Standard HSBC ones.
4. Where did the shirt you are currently wearing come from?

5. Name something that will be on your Christmas wish list:
Perhaps the iPad or SLR camera, oo or maybe dining rooms chairs
6. What color is your toothbrush?
White and Pink
7. Name something you collect and tell us about it.
Bags. I'm a woman what can I say? I love collecting bags so much that its not just handbags, but I also enjoy a nice carrier bag. I know i'm weird, but didn't you get that from me watching Quantum Leap at 2am?
8. Last restaurant you ate at. Who were you with? How was it?
Evergreens Chinese restaurant in NYC. There with the Hubs and it was delish. Had a recommended dish from the waiter and was not disappointed. But since we spent over £100 there, we are now poor and we have eat at Casa Del Crimp. This is not as good.
9. Who was the last person you bought a birthday card for?
My Neice, Stacey
10. What is your worst bad habit?
Jealously of anyone who walks around drinking Starbucks everyday. Are you made or gold or something? I have to plan to have my Venti, skinny, low foam 3 shot latte. What? I likes my coffee, My Way.
11. Name a magazine you subscribe to?
12. Your favorite pizza toppings?
Pepperoni, artichoke and olives. Preferably more olives than the rest of the other toppings.
13. Whose number were you looking up the last time you used a phone book?
Erm...does the yellow pages on your iPhone count? It does, well then it was for a Chinese restaurant when we first moved in.
14. Other than family, who is the person that you love most?
My friends.
15. What is the last thing you cooked?
Frankfurters with butter onions and garlic chips
16. Name something you wouldn’t want to buy used?
Shoes or hair accessories
17. Which shoe do you put on first?
18. What is the last thing you remember losing?

My mind, but its slowly coming back.
19. What is the ugliest piece of furniture in your house?
Dining room table, it came with the flat but it also came with no chairs. And it wobbles. 
20. Last thing you bought and ended up returning?
A CD for Hubs at Christmas, but he had already bought it. This happens on a regular basis. 
21. What perfume/cologne do you wear? If none, why?
22. Your favorite board game?
23. What was the last board game you played?
24. Where did your vehicle come from?

I don't have no automotive vehicle
25. If a movie was made about your life what would the theme song be?
“Smile" By Nat King Cole. 
26. You’re sad, who can cheer you up easily?
Hubs, Nephew Jack and Godson Adam
27. What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?
It was my wedding and the bridesmaids wore colbolt blue. Bootiful.
28. What house cleaning chore do you hate to do the most?
Cleaning the toilets the men in my family use.
29. What is your favorite way to eat chicken?
Grilled in garlic and with ranch dressing
30. It is your birthday. You hope the cake is?
Huge. Chocolate ganache would be nice :-)

Sunday, June 27

Where the hell have you been

Erm, well in its complicated and not complicated. And interesting and teetering on boring. 
So here is, in list form, what has been going on the last three months:

1. I got over the stomach flu
2. I got the blues
3. I get worse
4. I got antidepressants
5. I had a crash in confidence
6. I admitted that I wasn't doing so great
7  I then got slightly better
8. I started feeling even more better
9. We got a new apartment - our first as a married couple
10. We bought a sofa, chair and kitchen utensils
11. We broke our bed on the first night - no, not from that you filthy minded people...there was a screw loose...not unlike myself really.
12. We travelled around Toronto, Montréal, Québec, Ottawa and New York
13. We've decided to start trying for a family soon.
14. Potential health problems with Hubs put a stop to that.
15. Getting the 'OK' to get our freak on from the doctor has opened up the baby discussion again
16. Money issues has dampened the spirit of having children right now
17. Discovered that we might have a ghost in our new abode
18. I've found some awesome blogs, which inspire me
19. Both working hard for the Man
20. Ooo its finally sunny in England.

And that is about it....

I've made a promise to myself to write more often. This blog might not get any readers but that's OK because, this is my therapy. And If I do get some readers, then that will just help me further.

Monday, March 22

What is your favourite dinner?

Ooo hard to limit to one dinner....
Mum's Chilli
Husbands Spaghetti Bolognaise
Sister's curry

Ask me anything....within reason :-)

Sunday, March 21

What are the top 5 best experiences of your life?

1. Getting married
2. Becoming a Godmother
3. Watching my Nieces and Nephew grow up to become young adults
4. Going to see Take That in concert and therefore reliving my youth.
5. Watching Barack Obama become President of the United States

But i've had loads of 'best' experiences and don't want to limit them to five.

Ask me anything....within reason :-)

Saturday, March 20

Keeping up appearances

So for the better part of this week I have been battling the dreaded winter flu bug. 
I really did think that I had gotten away with suffering this, but alas, no one it seems, is immune. 

So as this was the first time in my marriage that I was sick, it was interesting to see how my Husband would react to me not being up to form. 

Seeing as he was working night shifts (yes, he works shifts, but that is for another blog entry) he felt incredibly guilty for not being there to hold back my hair and rub my back etc. And he felt even worse when he came home from said shifts and went to sleep while I struggled to get around. 
Despite these hurdles, my angel of a Husband has been wonderful and has made me eat to get my strength up, made me drink to get hydrated and made me as comfortable as possible. 
Stomach Bug 0 Husband 1

However, how did I deal with being vulnerable and needing to be look after? 
Illnesses involving vomiting from both areas (God I hope you get what I am trying to say) are so not pretty and definitely not dignified. 
Having my Husband witness me being sick and running to the bathroom did nothing for my 'Perfect Housewife' look. And to be honest, after one day feeling that way, I really didn't care. And neither did he. 

'In sickness and in health'. Those words were on repeat every time I looked in the mirror at my sunken eyes and sallow cheeks. 

I am getting better and today was the first day in 5 that I put on make-up. 
It felt like I was 15 again and trying to impress that boy I really liked. Except i'm 26 and i'm trying to impress my Husband. 

And I quite like that.

And...i've lost 7 pounds so its not all bad. 

The day after stomach flu is definitely the best feeling. 

Whats your idea of your best night out?

Dinner with husband or a good group of friends, good wine and food (everyone trying something new) good chat and then laughing so much it hurts.

Ask me anything....within reason :-)

Friday, March 19

What makes your heart sing?

Spring days, laughter, good music and love

Ask me anything

Ask me anything

So it begins

Life is supposed to happen in a sequence. A sequence of events if you like. But how that sequence of events happens is ultimately up to us. Or is it?
As a newly-wed, who is very much in the blissed out loved up stage in the marriage, its hard to imagine being married to anyone else, right? I mean its completely normal to feel like you want to be with this person for the rest of your life because, hey, this is the reason you got married.

So it is interesting to me, as a newly-wed, to have the opportunity to see inside other peoples marriages because if there is one thing I have learnt since getting married is that people like to tell you about there own marriage. A lot.
Its kind of like therapy, if therapy means passively telling you that a holy or legal union is not what its cracked up to be and that maybe you shouldn't have got married. Although, this is from people who are have had or are currently going through some sort of trauma in there marriage. These are the people who are more than willing to tell you when something is wrong.

The people who are not talking about marriage? Those are the 'Happy' ones. The couples who are so close, they finish each others sentences. Who order for each other when you go for dinner. There the couples who know that as soon as they say how happy they are, people around them instantly make the fake puking sound. But what people don't realise is that, that fake puking sound actually makes a two folded point.
1. The people making the puking sound (Lets call them pukees for ease) realise something. Pukees realise that they have a jealous reaction forming within them. Sure they may joke with the two-fingers down the throat action, but really its them showing they are missing what had before. Or even a yearning for something they didn't have at all.
2. The people who are being puked on (Lets call these...puked on?) realise that they have released something. They have released something to the world which previously wasn't tarnished, wasn't subjected to ridicule or scrutiny. Are the puked about to become the pukees when the next new couple comes along, because they too have become jealous.

Here is my two cents.

As part of a happily married, albeit newly-wed couple, I can feel the pressure to 'become' a pukee. Having recently been 'puked on' (I should've thought about the names before writing) when expressing perhaps stupidly my profound happiness and in fact, I believe my words were 'We've never been happier', the wrathful-ness of the pukees was tantamount.

End of. 

The fact that we were married and happy in the same sentence was actually a tiny detail in the mockery of our happiness.
People had pre-empted the puking, practising the two-finger action to make sure they got it right. They knew we were going to say 'We've never been happier' because we were already that happy. Why would we let a thing like marriage get in the way of that.
As the saying goes, misery loves company. The pukees need more people to be like them. The puked on realise that they have said too much and want to do anything they can to take it back, because lets face it, who wants to be friends with misery.

However, once you have endured the whole "That feeling wont last; wait till your married a couple of years or have kids" blah blah blah, you will be accepted into the 'Pukee Clan' which in turn allows you to ridicule the new, naive couple, who just can't keep there hands off each other.

But who wants to do that?

I'm keeping hold of my 'Puked on' status for as long as I can.